I've decided...

I'm going to do it. I'll take pre-med classes and get ready for podiatry school. I can't live my life for other people, I'm going to have to make decisions for me every now and then. There is a much bigger plan for me than all this ping ponging and confusion in my brain.

Confusion is not of God. I have to keep reminding myself of this.

Well, time to go work some stuff out.

It has come to my attention...

Here's the deal. I love to learn. I love everything about cracking open a book and expanding my knowledge. I just REALLY hate school. Maybe it's not so much about school itself. Maybe it's the fact that I get bored so easily with stuff that doesn't truly challenge me. No I don't have straight A's... but I could easily have straight A's if I actually put my best foot forward and tried. Honestly, I don't try... at all. I miss a lot of class (this semester it was honestly due to being sick and freak things happening) and I'm bored. My major is fun, it's cool... but that's it. That's all it is to me. It's not fulfilling. It doesn't make me want to crack open a book to learn about it. I mean... yeah I want to know more... but why? Because it's cool and interesting.

So what makes me tick? Why am I in denial of a few things? Well truth be told, what I really want to do I'm TERRIFIED of doing. Because I literally spent my entire life telling myself that I was dumb. That I'm not smart and I could never do something as awesome as be a doctor, or a lawyer. So what did I do? I coward in my little corner and turned to something that wasn't fulfilling. They are great hobbies, awesome stuff to know and could come in handy some day. But is it a career worthy choice for me? Radio, TV, Dance? any of those?

None.

That's right...

None.

So what am I going to do now? As my student loans build up and my GPA falls because I'm too much of a coward to study what I really want to study?

Suck it up and just do it? Believe that I can do it? Would I be willing to put all that work into doing something so hard? Could I do it? I would be in school until I was 30 (this is not an exaggeration) I would have to move away for a while... I love the church I go to now. I love the friend I have now. I'm in such a good place emotionally and spiritually. I'm scared to leave all this.

I just want to believe in myself... and I want someone to believe in me. I'm tired of people telling me to be realistic or people telling me what I can and can't do. Can someone just please tell me that they support me and will help me and will be there for me?

When will I stop being a coward and what will it take?